Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The week that followed

About a week after yesterday's post, mom was still on the ventilator, though improved and actually came off either that day or the next (at least briefly), I found myself reading Psalm 80...

80:2- ...Show us your mighty power, come to rescue us
     3- Turn us again to yourself, O God. Make your face shine down upon us. Only then will we be saved.
     5- You have filled us withe sorrow and made us drink tears by the bucketful.    
14-15- Come back, we beg you, O God Almighty, look down from Heaven and see our plight. Watch over                 and care for this vine that you yourself have planted.
16-17- For we are chopped up by our enemies, may they perish at the sight of your frown. Strengthen the one you love.

I pray God, that you do what only You can do and cure mom, that you will rip away this cancer and sickness so it may never return. I pray that when you do it, it will be done in such a way that those who experience it, will never be able to doubt, and will have no choice but to know it was you. I pray that you you do it for your glory, to bring us back to you...

-- This was the first time I prayed this prayer. It was over the coming months, while mom was still in the hospital, bouncing around the ICUs, that God began to really work on my understanding of His healing. I came to understand the difference between what I was asking for and what I truly desired. I was praying for a miracle, defining it as only a healing on this earth. It took quite a while, and a lot of conversations and prayers with my wife, to come to an understanding that my defining the miracle of what God would do was completely leaving out the reality of who God is. I was in no place to say that I deserved a miracle, and even less of one to define how that miracle would take place. I had placed God conveniently into a nice little box. Stored Him away in one of the compartments of my life, allowed Him to come about like a magic genie. When things were tough and wrong, I would open that box and make my requests... I had no concept of His Lordship. It was some time later, much later, that I was fully broken on this point, around the third time that mom really should not have lived, about the time that Zenobia expressed her willingness to move into my parent's house to help take care of my mom when she came home... about that time that I started to see and understand how God was using all of this to perform a greater miracle than something as simple as physical healing. I came to understand that mom's physical healing was sealed and ready for her, whether it happened this side of glory or not, the more pressing matter was trusting God in all circumstances to do exactly what God does... watch over us, protect us, love us, for His glory

This was the last I wrote in that particular book... I've never been good at keeping a consistent journal... but as I find more past writings, I might pass them along. I've really enjoyed revisiting this particular week of my life. It was the beginning of a most trying and crucial portion of my life, and looking back at it, it was only by the grace and mercy of God, and by His provision alone that I was able to come through it without simply shutting down and turning away from God. I came to understand that God works through pain, sorrow, even buckets of tears... He will use our circumstances to help us seek Him. It wasn't mom's healing I needed to be most concerned with in these times... her's was promised already, and as I had seen earlier in the week, a promise from God is eternally sealed in His hand... no, the healing I needed to be seeking at this time in my life, was to piece back together my understanding of God, I had shattered it by my pride, and reluctance to follow Him.

These few posts really have formed the basis of my belief, first to die to self, and allow Christ to live through me... second, enjoy and use the gifts and blessings God has provided... third, run from evil, and run to God. This was followed by coming to an understanding about the faithfulness and unconditional love of God, that not only does He promise, but also, He seals us for eternity. The week continued then with an understanding of a growing peace as we release the burdens of our life, and trust in the eternal seal of God, and His desire to take these all on, and release us to love. It finishes today with the realization of understanding our fractured view of who God truly is, and our hope for reconciling these truths lies within trusting Him wholly.Its a promise of a continued process of sanctification, that will continue from here to death...

He continues to call me to Him, and I hope I continue to respond... I hope the same for you

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