Thursday, February 27, 2014

releasing it to God

I am not one to often be found in a place of uncertainty. I've been blessed with a kind of self-assurance that is difficult to scramble, a (sometimes) quiet confidence that has guided me through the good parts of my life. God placed within me an ability to know, discover, discern, and a desire for action. The times in my life that those abilities align with the Holy Spirit's leadings in my soul have led to moments of great spiritual awareness and direction... not to mention growth. Those are exciting times, and I long for them to be a more abundant occurrence.
That has not been the case lately, I find myself trying to figure out what it is that I am to be doing. I know that my career is not currently what God would have for me to be doing. Though I also know that what God would have me to do would be to glorify Him through whatever I am doing... I can't say that I have been doing that well lately. I have been so focused on finding whatever it is that God is leading me to do next in my professional life that I have been ignoring His glory in my current work...

I interviewed for a position this week. I honestly don't know if God would have me to make this shift or not. In my world of knowing, confidence, and self-assurance, I hate not knowing. I do know that circumstances surrounding my applying, connecting with, and interviewing for this position ensured that they did not have the opportunity to see me at my best. I sent them the wrong resume the first time (I had recently updated it, and sent the old copy), I missed the call from the recruiter and then had trouble using their phone system to leave her a message (leading to an embarrassing number of attempts to call her), when we finally did make contact we set up an interview, upon setting up the interview, I remembered that I signed up for extra shifts at work the night before and night after the interview thus ensuring I would be exhausted at the time of the interview. I then managed to make it to the interview with my hair misbehaving, my eyes red, massive bags and circles, to sit down in front of a panel of 6 people (3 of whom do the job I was currently interviewing for). I attempted to wax poetic about myself, showcase my talents and giftings, and present myself as a great candidate for the job. The problem is, as practiced as I am at keeping my ego fenced in while I am meeting people who don't know me well enough to understand me, when I get tired, that filter malfunctions.

I want to be able to trust that all of those roadblocks served one of two purposes:
1) If they offer me the position after all of that, it'll have to have been a God thing, and I will feel confident that He would have me embark on this next great adventure.

2) If I am not offered the position, I will feel assured that I was chasing after something that was not of God, and each of those stumbles was there to ensure that I would not pursue it further.

Tonight, I find myself struggling as I wait to learn which of these cases is true. I have hymns blasting in my ears, silently offering up worship, trying to release my anxiety to a God that I know and trust to be sovereign over ALL things.

I'm also toying with the idea of opening a coffee house/roaster/pastry shop... if anyone wants to invest in everything I would want/need to do that...

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